Talking Now

In regards to what I wrote down earlier today. I love how God works and this is to show how good He really is. After starting a new plan called, Hearing from God, He reminded me that He does want to speak to me. It just may not be in ways He speaks to others. God made us each unique. He will speak. He has great plans for me. He loves me. If anything He keeps reminding me of His love. 

Wanting To Know

I like to express how I feel and what I am going through through writing. Everything that I would want to say comes out on paper. My mind is focused. What I'm feeling now isn't new, and surprisingly, its not a shocker that I feel this way.
I'm fragile. My heart is very sensitive. My feelings are hanging by a thread and at any moment I feel as if someone will come and cut that thread just to watch me shatter. I have noticed that I become discouraged easily. Not to mention, frustration with just about any little thing comes quickly. 
On a positive note, I really love to laugh. So I try to surround myself with people who will allow me to laugh as much as I can and want. They might look at me strange, but who cares? They don't and I certainly don't. 
I'm even feeling that I'm becoming spiritually deaf. What have I done that I just can not hear from God? I don't like to rely on other people to give the godly answers I need, when I know He's right there. Has He used others? Of course. Do I mind if He does so? No. However, that can not be my only way of getting answers. I need to hear from Him, but I'm not (at least I don't think I am). I do get these little reminders of His live for me, but how do those reminders answer my questions as to what? where? when? how? Not seeing it at all.
Ever since the beginning of this year, God has helped me to discipline myself to reading the Bible every day. Some days I may read longer or not so much as I did the last time, but its forming those good and positive habits that Christians should have. I find myself praying or even just give praise and thanks to God periodically throughout the entire day, not just when I get up and/or go to bed. 
Am I thinking to much into this? Is there not enough effort being put in from me?
I just want to know...

Writing Daily

Most people that know me, know that I keep a journal. They also know that's a daily thing for me to write. I keep three specific journals. The first one consists of everything. It includes what happens during the day, venting, scripture writing, positive thinking, all my personal info, if I went on a date, etc. My second journal includes just positive thinking. To help me stay on track, the front cover says," whatever is lovely, think about such things."  It also states praises and thanks to God, my Father. The third journal was given to me by a friend who made it specially a journal for my dreams, wishes, and desires. It's taking a little longer to fill up. 

I'm telling this because all three serve as a reminder of who God is and what He is doing in my life. I can think back to what He's done and I can even hope for what is to come. They all remind me of Gods love for me and how good He is to me. I can count my blessings through my writing. 

Let's face it

Why is it so hard to express feelings? Sometimes I wish feelings and desires never existed. Why bother to even believe that dreams come true? Or desires come to pass? I'm beginning to believe that it's just me. Let's just face reality. It's just me. 

Maybe It's Just Me

I have felt unwanted. I feel like people ( guys) only get with me because they think that they can't get who they really want. I'm not skinny. My body has some imperfections. I've got some curves. My frame isn't exactly small either. I bite my nails. I'm definitely not someone who would be picked out of a line up. Recently I had a dream and the enemy in my dream was my fear that keeps me from telling my true feelings. Oh she was beautiful. Perfect body, skin, hair, boobs, etc. You name it, she had it. 

I have felt unimportant. People know that I have a big heart. In fact I've been told by a family member that my heart is bigger than my head and that I need to balance it out. I have in the past, been taken advantage of. I just could not say no. It breaks my heart to see and know of people who are hurting in any way. 

I have felt unaccepted. On a positive note, I'm definitely a people person. Typically I'm not shy, but I do have a shy side. Here lately it's been difficult for me to plug in. My intention is never to be apart of a click. However, it's all around. 

I have felt forgotten. This one really speaks for itself. Just go log into my Facebook account and see how many times I'm saying Congratulations to people who have gotten engaged, gotten married, who are having babies, gotten their own house, etc. Another positive note, I sincerely mean the congratulations. Then on the other hand, I just want to delete my account all together because well,....you know. 

All these things put together makes me think what have I done wrong. What am I doing differently? Or maybe I've done nothing wrong, maybe it's just me? 

Three Weeks and Holding

Wrote the following about three weeks ago sitting in church.

No one knows how hurt I am except you. No one knows how scared I am except you. No one knows what thoughts go through my mind except you. No one knows what I've been through except you. No one knows how lonely I am except you. No one knows how often I cry myself to sleep except you. No one knows all the rejection I have faced except you. I know that I have failed. I know that I have fallen. I know that at times I'm ashamed of my past.

Lord I know you love me. I know you are my Savior. I know you are my friend even when it feels I am without. I know you are my helper. I know you are my provision. I know that you are my strength. I know that I am your child. I am your daughter. I am YOURS!!!

Show me Your glory.

Stuck

Feeling stuck.

If I could sum everything up that I'm going through, then there it is: feeling stuck. How am I stuck? In my direction. Here I am almost 28 years old and I have no clue what I need/want to do with my life. I used to think I did but since nothing has worked out for me, then I think I need a new game plan. Being in a career mode has never been my center focus. Well now it looks like I should become more focused on a career. Thing is I'm torn between my decision. Should I go in the direction of medical? Dental? Or really go the other way and do education? Should I finish my bachelors in theology? I do want to be financially stable. However, I see where God has placed me. I'm experiencing blessings and doors opening just from becoming an after school teacher. Shortly after that I was asked to join the preschool staff and the teaching staff at my church. So one would think that teaching is where I need to be.
Want to know what my dream  job is? It's to become a wife. Maybe a mom. Bug the older I get and the longer I wait, that dream becomes more unrealistic. Sometimes I think that married life just isn't for me. So why not have a career? The only way I'm going to know what to do is pray and maybe even fast. Definitely has to be God and no one else. That includes me.