Letting It All Out

I was recently asked a question by a friend of mine, "Who has told you that you are not worthy?" In all honesty, no one has actually come out and verbally told me, but actions speak louder than words. The church is supposed to be a place for hope and love. We're supposed to reach out to those, but you can't reach out to people on the outside until you can reach to the people inside. If you think you can, then you are not being honest with yourself. Everyone wants to be appreciated. Everyone wants to recognized in some way. Everyone wants to be loved.

I think that the reason most people have insecurities is 1) The devil is out to steal, kill, and destroy. So he will automatically try and put things in your head. 2) People involve themselves in what I can not stand and that is "clicks". I understand that not everyone will have the same friends or acquaintances, but there is absolutely no reason for arrogant and immature behavior. Just this past week a young lady came to where I was and she had made a comment about the food.Well, I began to make small-talk conversation and asked her a question and she ignored me. I felt invisible. In saying all this, I ask you...

How do I come across to others? Because maybe I have done something wrong or offended some of you in some way. However, you won’t tell me. I struggle in my thinking: Not worthy enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not funny enough…do you think I’m too weird? What is it? Do you not want to hurt my feelings? Do you even care if I hurt or not? I sit in this guest room and cry.

So what? I have a past. Last time I checked we all have one. Each day that passes another day gets added to our past. I wish I would not have drank that alcohol, or viewed that little bit of porn, or had that filthy and perverted mouth. One day as long as God keeps us here on this earth; I will reap what I sowed. So help me God and get me through it.

I’m afraid to let someone care and love me. I desire it so bad, but then on the other hand I don’t want any part of it. The way it’s been shown to me is that couples are married for 20 something years, then all of a sudden “I don’t love you anymore.” I refuse to be in any part of that.

I’m afraid to become a mother because I know how I treated my parents especially my mother. I wish I would not have said what I said, or did what I did. I’m not looking forward to the day where my son and/or daughter make me cry just because they wanted to see me cry. 

The term I wish comes into play because I know I can never take it back what I did or said. However, I do know that I am forgiven and I am able to move on with my walk and with my life. God has given me a wonderful family. He has blessed me with people who do love for who I am and not what I can do for them. The same also go for my friends, even though there are few, I am blessed. Nothing can ever separate me from God's love or from their love.