Saturday, March 22, 2014

Oh Snap!

This past week I have really tried to put together how I'm really feeling. And every time I write/post something, I delete it because I don't want to hurt your feelings. Even though I'm hurt, maybe a little confused, that doesn't mean I want to "return the favor:" It wouldn't even surprise if it was all my fault. These past couple of years I feel like I'm the one who's at fault. I'm guilty. Over half the time I don't say anything because I don't want to fuel the flames anymore than what they already are. 
Some people have said that they really don't care if we remain friends or not. I know that some friendships are only for a season and some for a lifetime, but to say that you don't care....really? How sad? 
Some people have said to me that I am inconveniencing them. They have had to rearrange their schedules to fit mine. But yet, you say "Its only temporary." Well, I'm going to say the same thing to you, "It's only temporary." Yeah, I regret not listening in the first place, but don't tell me that I am an inconvenience.  
Some people just don't tell me the truth. They say only what they think I want to hear. Be real with me. I've got my big girl panties on. If I bother you, tell me. If you need me to back off, tell me. Please rude or mean, and please don't humiliate me, but tell me. 
Some people who I wish would talk to me and include me more, don't. However, they have no problem sending me a once a month text to ask for their money when it is due. 
I'm so tired of feeling that I'm part of a competition for friendship. I am only one person. Wish I could clone myself, but sorry, that's not happening. Please don't get offended if we don't get to spend time together all the time. If I say no, it's nothing personal. 
I know that I need to put more effort into some of my friendships, but I'm also having to work through things in my life. I have NO car. I am debt free, but now having to rebuild. I still live at home. I want out. 
Feeling like I was pushed into choosing a career just so I could become financially stable. Finally at a job that I just absolutely love, BUT NO, feeling like you don't really approve because I'm not making the money you think I should be making. I would think you'd be a little proud and maybe you are. 
Definitely feeling like I'm hearing my wrongs more than what I'm doing rights. In fact there are areas where I know I've improved, but the second I do something wrong or something that you may not approve of, you have no problem speaking up at that moment.
I want a tattoo. Let me just say, that if I felt the least bit that I was being disrespectful then I would have got it when I turned eighteen. I'm 28. I've had ten plus years to think about this. 
Just the other day, all I wanted to do was give an update and be open. I hadn't been talking for five minutes and you have already voiced your opinion. Apparently, my reasoning doesn't matter. All that matters is what you have to say.
Not sure if you know this, but I cry now at the drop of a hat. Want to know why I hide in my room and lock the door? I've learned that if I stay in there, my opinions, thoughts, plans, etc. they are not always being shot down. I'm tired of seeking out your approval. Yes, I want you to be proud, but my life is my life. And the only one who I'm out to please is God. Not no body else. 




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